There is a job to be done measuring geese. It’s a government funded role that aims to compare the measurements of groups of geese over a critical period of time in the lead-up to Christmas.
Goose-measuring is an important function of a governing body who wish to make obvious the differences in size and weight of our festive feathered friends when taken from different places of production around the country.
Goose Inspectors now give individual farms and poultry producers less than a day’s notice so that they can see the real picture. It has been noted that some producers over-watered their flocks prior to the G.I.’s arrival. Now, the weight of water is being discounted in an effort to determine the true weight of a goose. No more can a producer rely on being a goose half-full or a goose half-empty kind of growth-mind-set.
In truth, geese no longer form the centre of many Christmas dinners these days, but like the classics of Dickens, the Brontes, Shakespeare, and Spotted-Dick, it is hoped that the nation will soon be returning to a more traditional feast in line with recently discovered British Values. No more interference from the Sprouts of Brussels telling us that our Spotted-Dick is not the correct shape or that it does not match the champagne criteria for uber-health, low-fat, foreign nonsense.
No, as newly-born Brits, we can state with pride that we like our heavily-larded cakes and puddings. We prefer to have cholesterol coated arteries as it keeps us warm in the stupidity of an Eastern-European winters which know no borders. And by the way, Johnny Foreigner, we like our birds with a bit of meat on them.
This is where our Goose Inspectors come in. In small teams, the will scour the country for underweight, water-filled, skinny birds and grade them. The grading system is easy and common in any sense. It has for judgement levels:
- The upper middle level is ‘QUITE DECENT’
- The lower middle level is ‘JUST CHILLED’
- The upper level is ‘GET A LIFE’
- The lowest level is ‘BLOODY BONKERS’.