“Just because you stoppped believing in him doesn’t mean that he doesn’t believe in you.”
When I was a child, God was a goodly old gentleman who had a keen sense of fair-play. He understood the motivations of all of his creations, gave them freedom, within boundaries, and wished them all well. He’d only interfere with the little things; never the biggies like Hitler or earthquakes. In those times, God was a benevolent spectator who had explained how we should play the game and then stood back, and watched.
It’s like being a teacher in reception who quickly runs through the expectations, points towards the library of books, tells the students that it’s not about competition but participation, before retiring to the staff-room to drink coffee, or tea, whilst shooting the breeze with a non-existent audience.
“Let the law of the jungle prevail.”
So, I spent the best part of my life praying to this absent teacher who was probably flicking through a holiday magazine without paying any attention to the fact that the bike sheds were burning down and a number of the teachers had been tied to the fence, awaiting execution.
Every night, I spoke to him, who didn’t have to be a he, and prayed for the wrongs of the world to be righted. And every morning those wrongs awaited my arrival at school. But for nearly fifty-years I followed this fruitless ritual. And I still do.
These days, I have struck an agreeement with God. I won’t openly say that I don’t believe in her as long as she doesn’t prove her lack of belief in me. I have this huge suspicion that the dual-gender deity doesn’t exist, but who am I to jump to this conclusion? It may well be that I, myself, don’t exist, and that I am only a dream that hasn’t fully woken to the fact.
But then, what have facts to do with this?
I find this very interesting Mike. Gone through the exact same things. Studied Theology, thinking it would help (it didn’t really, but did put a few ideas in my mind) but it didn’t help much in the long run. I veer now between believing (and wanting to fiecely defend Him Her ir It) and not believing then freaking out lol.
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Lorraine, I think that we need certain beliefs even if we don’t believe in them. They give us a sense of structure and rationality in a universe that really doesn’t have those qualities. I believe that God is a projection of our need to believe in ourselves.
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I actually think you are right Mike. I have often calked God the well inside me that I can tap into.
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We need the inner-well.
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We most certainly do Mike. And we don’t realise how deep it is until we drink from it in hard times. You think it is not there, but it is. I like to think of agod as the values that “the world” for want of a better word, does not em race often. Though there are some that do. You know, like overturning everything, as in the Beatitudes. I iften wish for something mire concrete, but then would I be truly satisifed anyway, with that? I think not. This is a great discussion. Maybe we should collaberate and write a book on it ha ha ( just joking)
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