God wishes men to make love to their wives regularly. It’s a duty, a religious observance, so why block the bedroom door?
For men of independence, it is every day.
For labourers, it is twice a week.
For donkey drivers, once a week.
For camel drivers, it is once every thirty days.
For sailors, it is once every six months.
So these are the lessons of becoming independent. Relying on nobody else to put food on your table means a better share in the end.
Blessed be the NUPTUALLED.
A ray of sunshine has fallen across our Saturday morning. Outside is dull and damp, but in doors there is a spot of hope.
Saturday morning started off as all Saturdays tend to do. Lucy, our cat, came gently meowing into our bedroom. The weather is grim out there, but that didn’t stop her from wanting, nay insisting, on going out. I crept out of bed, descended the stairs, opened the front door, and she was gone into the gloom. I went back to bed; it was five o’clock.
Later, we were awoken by the sound of our middle daughter moving around. We ignored this and feigned sleep. After about half an hour, my wife’s phone started to do the buzzing thing that has replaced the traditional ring. It could only be one person, our eldest daughter in France. I listened for a short time to the conversation and then went to make the mugs of tea that are so much a part of our awakenings.
Saturday mornings always follow their own traditions. Tea, talk, sample the news, and the porn; property-porn.
Property-porn has been part of our lives for over twenty years. In the early days it meant leafing through the Yorkshire Post property pages. Then it progressed to the internet where property porn is tailored for everyone’s predispositions and quirks. We originally went the French way as old houses and gardens were still the norm for most people’s tastes. After that, we went Spanish: new-builds, sea-views, and pools. Spanish properties are plentiful, although sometimes they tend to lack the aesthetic.
We can spend up to an hour luxuriating in this debauchery until the real world calls us back. The real world needs finances and I have managed to spend the main part of my life avoiding this hefty consideration. My pension-pot is puny as I thought that I would be a famous writer by now. I am not. And the wife is not overly impressed. Therefore the morning, that started off so well, the porn not the cat, started to slide downhill a little.
“Why can’t you write a bestseller?”
“I know. I wish I could.”
“But it would have to be something that people would want to read.”
“I know.”
It was still slipping downhill and towards a precipice when my wife suggested, sex.
“Sex sells.”
“Perhaps I could write some erotica?”
“I don’t really think it’s you.”
“Cheers.”
So, I am officially a sad old git who can’t get it up for a swift chase of chapters that would titivate the secretly saucy.
“Dildos and Stockings!”
The morning was starting to look up again.
“Why don’t I set up an internet shop and sell dildos and stockings? Buy a pair of stockings and get a dildo, of your choice, free.”
She had my attention.
” I think that you have something there.”
The idea had begun to harden in our minds.
Dildos and Stockings. It’s great name.It could just work.
Read After Burnout.
It struck me yesterday (on my way to the forum), not a hard nipple but an idea. Or should I say the beginnings of an idea which was not really an idea but a thought. The thought was, would it be the right thing to do to have somebody with hardened nipples follow me on WordPress?
This question, taken over a number of decades during which I have trodden this earth, would have probably had two, possibly more answers. A younger me, let’s say three decades ago, would probably have embraced the idea. Indeed, I have little to stop me wondering if that younger self would have used the incident of the hard nipples to extend towards the readers (and listeners) a thesis upon which the very act of having hard nipples follow one is an act of liberation and defiance. I was young, ideological, and was Lawrence (esque).
Today’s Mike is a different beast. He has been surrounded by teachers, becoming middle-class, becoming a husband and father, and definitely ambushed by advancing years. Today’s Mike would think that if a woman wanted to get her kit off and parade what was underneath to one and all on WordPress (not WordPress not Breastpress), then it is her choice. But, perhaps said woman with breasts and hard nipples ought not to push them in my specific direction. I am, after all, not DH Lawrence.
So, the long and the short of it saw me delete the erotica categorised WordPresser from my followers. She was jettisoned into the outer-reaches of the digital wilderness to happen upon others of her ilk who prefer actions to words.
